I promised a final update, but it’s been such a struggle to find the right words. Maybe because I’m in shock. Or denial. Maybe because no words suffice. How could I possibly bring summation to all that has happened in the last 365 days?
My time in this place has evaporated like a raindrop in the heat of African summer (which is still thick upon us, in case you’re wondering). I knew this would happen. I sensed it from the first week (which you can read about here). I swear I’ve been living in a time warp. One moment I’m greeting the staff and kids on Monday morning—we are all fresh from the weekend—then I blink and it’s Friday night, and the whole week is a blur that managed to exhaust us all in the best way. One day I’m starting a new chapter, then suddenly, it’s been a year and I know the credits about to start rolling. I don’t know if I’m ready to accept the finality of those words: The End.
So much goodness has been packed into the last 50 weeks, but not without trials and tears. In the span of 50 weeks, I have been completely broken. My expectations of what God would do here: shattered. The self-sufficiency that I’ve clung too throughout my life: obliterated. And my perception of my relationship with the Creator: upgraded to HD. All of these things were necessary, whether or not I could have acknowledged it at the onset of this journey. I definitely would not have wanted to admit it. I needed to be broken. But even more, I needed to be pieced back together into a way more glorious version of myself. One that’s less me, more Him. He broke me gently, and fixed me graciously. I had absolutely no part in my reformation. I resisted and questioned at many points along the way. But sweet Jesus used a year in Africa to draw me closer to Him than I’ve ever been. He brought His Word to life for me, rich with promises and wisdom, dripping with His love and goodness.
Ikageng is a random pin on the map where Jesus dropped me for a year. Ikageng is where Jesus reminded me how vast and grand His love is for me, and allowed me to overflow some of it to some remarkably beautiful humans. He used those same humans to bless me immensely, to manifest His abundant joy in my heart as we shared life together in this little corner of the Kingdom. Ikageng is a place I would love to revisit at some point—to see beloved friends, and kids grown up. To bear witness to God’s ongoing work here. But it’s possible, despite my hoping otherwise, that the goodbyes I’m getting ready to say are final. Here are some realizations and reflections that come to mind as I look back on the last year:
One. I love our staff. You might have picked up on that, because I’ve been bragging about them from the beginning. But truly, deeply, I love them. This love is not of me. It’s a love I’m not capable of on my own. It’s Jesus’ love for them, and He has blessed me with the opportunity to be a vessel of it, the privilege to watch it transform lives. I know this love is of Him, because it just keeps flowing and flowing. I can literally feel it bubbling out of me when I see them each morning. It’s a joy to express. It’s so rewarding to distribute.
Two. Our kids bring me so so much joy. I’m obsessed with them. I could just watch them all day. In my final weeks, I’ve been deliberate about soaking up as much of them as I can. Apparently the result is a big smile on my face, because almost every day one of the teachers will ask me, “Ma’am Taylor, why are you so happy? You’re always smiling.” There’s only one explanation: joy from Jesus. Each morning he gives me the gift of joy in the form of greetings from 100 darling children, some with running start bear hugs, some with shy smiles, some with overly enthusiastic high-fives that make my hand tingle. These little ones are joy from heaven, tangible in my arms as I squeeze them one-by-one. My heart cannot contain the joy they bring me.
Ikageng will be a monument for the rest of my life, because God met with me here in real and undeniable ways, and I’m leaving all the better for it. Even though I don’t know what’s next, I step into the unknown better prepared because of what Jesus did in and through me in Ikageng, trusting that He was molding me into a vessel more fit for whatever lies ahead. He showed me over and over that He’s got me. That He’s all I need. That I can rest in Him despite whatever storm may crash around me. That if I make Him my Rock, I will not be shaken.
He may have used me to accomplish some of His purposes in this place. But more than that, He used this place to accomplish His purposes in me, to woo my soul, to grow my dependence on Him. Jesus started this chapter of my life by providing immeasurably more, and each day thereafter, He continued to do so, even when I couldn’t see or feel it immediately. He has truly done more that I could have asked or imagined. And I’m leaving more in love with my Savior than ever.
